A little here and there

Remember the "K" is a G sound

2011-08-12T20:23:00.001-07:00

I wanted to name this blog "It's been a while" but that reminded me of an awful song by Staind that is from who-knows-when middle school...but the point is, after 8 months I decided it was time again to blog:)

Tonight I'm thinking about some of the crazy places I've been in the last few years. The bayou of Louisiana, the end of the earth North Carolina, the sun-scorched land of Africa and the cool air in Colorado. I think of one phrase that my friends in Africa say multiple times a day "Nkulunkulu mule"(in-goo-loo-in-goo-loo moo-sh-lay) it means, God is good. I've newly appreciated Psalm 124 lately. It talks of deep trouble and fierce struggle and that if God had not been on the psalmist's side... well, it moves through what could have happened. It ends in praise and with two reminders(at least) for me these days.

Nkulunkulu mule and I am weak.

It is good to remember God's grand and masterful ways of saving us, what He has saved us from and where we are rescued out of. It is good to remember "If God had not been on my side." This is not only to remember the former, but to understand my frailty. My never-had-a-chance self. Because as a human, as someone living in the struggle of spirit and flesh, I don't have a chance. The majority of my days are spent knowing I am weak and acting as if I am invincible. But that doesn't generally end well. I am trusting God to remind me today that He is always on my side. He is for me, because He wants to be. Nkulunkulu mule, because that is who He is. Not because He does unreasonably good things for me (which He does) but because it is Him.

Take Notice

2010-10-24T13:10:00.000-07:00

Stop. Look around. Take notice. What's going on around you? Who is close to you? What are you thinking about? One thing? 100 things? How was your morning? Who have you seen today? What's important to you today?

Today we sang "Beautiful" by Phil Wickham. The first three sections start with "I see you..." and end with "you're beautiful." I see you in the sunrise. I see you in the moonlit night. I see your bride come together. You're beautiful. It's about taking notice and acknowledging our source. What would happen if we were a people who took notice? Some of the best conversations happen when we notice. We see the funniest things when we notice. We feel important when we are noticed. It's loving in the moment and possibly one of the most powerful things you can do.

We see Paul (acts 17) taking notice to the people of athens and that is how he begins to share the gospel with a "deeply religious people."

Do you have a friend who just points things out all the time or remembers the little details you didn't even tell them? It's astonishing sometimes. What a gift!

What happens when we notice? We see beauty. We invest. We look beyond ourselves. We acknowledge who is in control and that it isn't about me.

What happens when we don't notice? We see ourselves. We become steeped in our circumstances. We lose a sense of hope. We don't serve others.

I'm not always great at taking notice. Sometimes I don't remember peoples names and I don't remember who had a test when and I get distracted by whatever I just came from or to where I am going...
My prayer lately has been to be a friend, daughter and sister who takes notice. I want the people around me to feel important and to know that when people walk by in their world and don't notice that someone does. It's about loving them.

My Savior noticed me. He noticed my sin problem and my family life and my wonderful friends and my surroundings. He doesn't just notice me...his thoughts about me outnumber the grains of sand. My Savior loves me. And He takes notice of you too. And his thoughts of you are more than the stars in the sky and He takes delight in you. I pray you believe that and that we together can take notice and be a picture of our Savior to a world distracted.

The Hope of Glory

2010-09-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

Today in church we talked about Heaven. We talked about where it is and a little of what it might be like but really we talked about how heaven and earth interact. What it came down to was that the overlap of heaven and earth is in us.

you. me. us.

Because of the Holy Spirit dwelling in us and our lives here on earth...the overlap is us. This does not come close to touching all the things we talked through today but what I'm going for here is the reflection. I began to pray through after the service was what it looks like to live the overlap. Where am I not doing that? What does it look like to do that? The only thing that came to mind was "To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory."(Colossians 1:27)

How beautiful!

Christ in you, the hope of glory!

Praise. We have the hope of glory because of His Spirit, because of the overlap.

Amen.

What do we really do?

2010-08-30T21:26:00.000-07:00

The moment high school graduation hits how many college hand books, this-is-what-it's-like conversations and t.v. shows do we see about the impending transition? maybe more than the number of mountains in Colorado. The funny thing is...the bigger transition comes after college graduation as the real world inches closer...and how many preparations do we have about that transition? close to none. So then we hang in the balance of "What do I do?" It's exciting and nerve racking and feels slow and horribly fast and overwhelming all at one time.

The transition from the school days to the real world is one everyone faces and no one talks about. Why? It's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable to wait. I find myself in this particular waiting rhythm. I don't expect to exit it soon and therefore, I pray to find a way to embrace it. I wonder often what it looks like to serve and worship and embrace and be patient and be bold while I wait. I still don't have a clear picture...I do know it will require a sensitivity to redirection, interruption in "my plans" and adventure...so through it I pray this is my confession and song of my heart:

Lyrics to While I'm Waiting :
I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

But I want it...

2010-06-27T18:58:00.000-07:00

Psalm 23 is an ever present theme this summer it seems...the newest thought on it rests in line one: "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want."

When I think of being "in want" I think of material possessions or a state of being. I want a new pair of toms or to always have clear direction. My summer is full of embracing a new phase. This is brand new territory each day and it's easy to be "in want" over a phase in life. I want to be doing missions or married or to see where my future is headed...I am "in want" over things that make me "enough." None of those are bad things...in fact they are enjoyable things, but they aren't everything. The pastor of my church asked the congregation last Sunday to fill in the blank, "The thing about __________ is, although it is a wonderful thing, if I am not enough without it, I will never be enough with it." I wonder if that blank could be a season or phase or point in life rather than just a possession or person.

So in order to be free from "want" I must first identify what is holding me. I pray you would join me in this pursuit to live in the freedom that was bought for us and the beautiful life that is painted in Psalm 23.

sometimes?

2010-06-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it rains. Sometimes I don't wear shoes. Sometimes coffee makes the whole day better. Sometimes laughing is all that we need. Sometimes we give things up because the return is better. Sometimes we dig our heals in.

I read 1 Samuel 15 the other day...all about Samuel and Saul...moral: Saul is arrogant and Samuel is diligently obedient. Both believe with everything they are making a sacrifice-a sacrifice for God. It's funny the way we are willing to sacrifice if we know there is a bigger and better reward. But is that really sacrifice? Sure, we are giving something up aka sacrificing something but is it true and total sacrifice if we are looking for reward? Wouldn't that just be waiting?

I wonder if sacrifice isn't more about the heart and less about the eventual gain. Motivation that comes out of a genuine desire to please God whether rewarded or not rather than a motivation to see something better in place of what we are sacrificing.
(DISCLAIMER: I fully believe God gives good gifts and when we are in seasons of waiting or when no is the answer there is a better plan in store always because God is a good God. I am talking about the condition of our hearts ...)

I'll speak for myself now: I had plans this summer. I had plans for the upcoming year. My plan did anything but work out. And what my plan was included sacrifice. Sacrifice of time with friends, family, relaxation, safety, comfort, normalcy...it was an exciting plan with lots of adventure and "sacrifice." This plan I'm living now...the plan I was not excited about but the plan I was meant for is sacrifice of my immediate desires. I struggle with it most days because I want what I want but I'm living what God wants and learning that, as my devotional said today, sometimes obedience is the sacrifice.

So then this begs the question: is it obedience without sacrifice? Is sacrificial obedience my goal if all I'm looking for is something to replace what I gave up? Am I obeying...at the core of all?

*Enjoying the adventure of this summer*

Pause

2010-05-15T19:06:00.000-07:00

Pause. Take a deep breath. Listen.

As Christians we are called to rest. Not to be lazy. Not to excuse inactivity. But to replenish. To make loving, forgiving, speaking truth and worshiping even possible. It's part of abiding in Him. I haven't truly rested-not as a break for part of a day but as a life style in...wait...have I ever?
Psalm 23 (He makes me lie down in green pastures and leads me along quiet waters...) is admired and looks excellent on a bathroom stitching but dare I say, is not lived day to day. My goal this summer: rest. That means time with Him, seeking His heart, learning more of His word, loving His people and pursuing them. It means sitting with my fears, insecurities and hopes then laying them before Him. It means asking God to break me, mess with my heart, renew my mind, transform my actions and lead me out. It doesn't sound like rest, but if I am truly in the presence of my Creator, it is.

Here is what I long for:
To rest my head on His chest and feel the tension in my body release
To look at Him in awestruck wonder
To tell Him all about my day-to thank Him, share my heart, release everything and listen
To rejoice and celebrate in His goodness and faithfulness
For Him to show me how to love
For Him to break me for people
To see hearts and passions focused on Him
To be a part of His story

the world, brokenness, love and other light topics

2010-03-27T21:38:00.000-07:00

A couple days ago I asked Jesus to give me the heart for people that he has and let me see through his eyes...I'm not sure why I ask these things but for some reason I always think it's a good idea.

Today I decided it would be awesome if Jesus could just come back now. I didn't come to this conclusion because of our economic state, our place in war or any other political issue that runs rampant in our society. I decided this purely on the fact that my heart is heavy seeing pain and brokenness. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I have authentic relationships that share joy and pain but the Lord continues to remind me how fragile people really are and how broken we choose to live. I'm done with it.

We continue to live and interact in a struggling world but what if it didn't over take us...what if we claim freedom? what if we were so concerned with what God is concerned with and so in tune with the Spirit, nothing of this world mattered but living in HIS freedom and showing others the freedom that they can have or maybe they forgot about.
I think it would be an irresistibly beautiful, boldly passionate, life giving body of Christ. I know it's not as easy as it sounds but what is as easy as it sounds is ASKING God to show us what freedom in him means.

My last question: Why do we choose to stay hurting? Is it easier? probably. But the result is more and more and more and more struggle...
I still want to see people the way Jesus does but hopefully soon I'll see brokenness turn into healing, redemption and freedom...in my life and yours.

***next is a related thought but a bit disconnected***

This weekend I realized something new. In the midst of a very difficult conversation and some said brokenness it sunk in deep. As much as relationships are life giving, they also can hurt and I'm so glad they do. In those times, we see incredible truth, growth and an effort to change conditional love in to unconditional. Much of these situations we find ourselves in are a complete mess, but a beautiful one.

The thing that bothers me the most about being human is the ability to disappoint someone. It absolutely kills me, but it gives an opportunity for reconciliation, healing and once again, that love thing. That's a beautiful thing that I love nothing more than to fight for.

2010-02-13T17:14:00.000-08:00

I figured it out...I have no idea what's going on at all.

Either I haven't processed things well in the past or over the last couple years my ability to process has diminished. There is also a high possibility I just think things through a bit differently now. Over the last two weeks or so I have encountered so much that I don't even know where to begin processing. And as of now I can think of two options--put up a wall and become numb or leave. Now I know my problems will follow me and no matter where I go the world is still fallen but there is something about leaving that gives me a fresh perspective.

The capacity to work through everything is certainly not within me but the question becomes: Do you ask the God to walk you through things so you can feel them and think them and move along? That seems like it's going to be painful. In fact, I know it will be painful. Do you take the road of righteousness and choose to follow after God rather than put up a road block and some blinders? Now all these questions seem obvious but I think if we are truly being honest with our pain we know the latter sounds better (short-term at least).

I have no inspiring way to close other than to hope that someone else has tips they would like to share.

I have a question

2010-01-14T21:02:00.000-08:00

I've heard the question asked several times--at graduations, when people move, when you are embarking on a great adventure or when you need to be shaken from complacency.

What are you known for?

I was recently asked this question and am also in the midst of studying one of the gospels. The very word "gospel" means "good news." Now, here is MY question: Am I (Are you) good news in your community? Is that what I am known for--being good news? Everyone knows that one person. The person who every time they walk in the door you know the party is going down and the glass is suddenly and irreversibly half empty. Now, I don't think I'm that girl. But I do wonder if I'm known for being good news. Not just bubbly but truly can't wait to point out the best in people and not just what I think is good but point out and celebrate the beautiful creation they are in Jesus. Not just that even, but am I the gospel to my community. Do I represent the most high, redeeming, romancing, powerful and authentic God? That is our call, after all.

I'm not always sure how to achieve such a reputation but I pray that the Lord would begin to show me how to be good news to my community. And you too.

Grace Like Rain

2010-01-02T11:08:00.000-08:00

I recently found something I wrote this summer, in the midst of the hardest 3 months of my life. here it is:

Grace like rain. We sing it every thursday. It took on a new meaning today. I sat in the laundromat as I spend every friday, connecting back home and enjoying my first moment alone since last friday. I listen to clothes spinning, people chatting and quarters clinking. As I glance outside between loads I notice the torrential rain. It beats endlessly against the pavement. I couldn't help but think "grace like rain." I don't think it was a summer sprinkle the writer was referring to. I think it was much like this--unavoidable, powerful and refreshing. Every person stood in awe of the rain, secretly wanting to run outside and drench themselves in the flood. I wonder if we lived like we were slopping wet in grace if people would stand in awe and have to absolutely submit to this crazy desire to run outside too.

a good story

2009-12-06T14:08:00.000-08:00

A story is simply about a character who wants something and has to overcome conflict to find it. We love good stories. Stories about Africa, teaching english in China, building water wells in Peru and feeding the homeless. Why? Because we want that. Sometimes we think the more we hear stories about such the easier it will be for us to do so as well. Or we think...well at least someone is doing something...I can just stay here and do my job and be normal. I won't have to give anything up. I submit that if we are not willing to give something up or overcome conflict, we don't actually WANT it. We want what it will do for us, for our reputation or legacy or advancement. Here is my story about someone who wants something...not what it can do for her. Hopefully one day my story will fit in this category too. and yours too.

Tara:
Tara lived in the nicest part a Houma, LA (just outside New Orleans). She was working as a youth leader at her church. One Thanksgiving she and members of her church went across the bridge to the roughest part of Houma and it's surrounding area to feed all the homeless, drug lords, gang members, and just struggling. Afterward everyone was finished they thought, "wow God must really be proud of us." and instead Tara heard God saying "So what now?, Who will continue to take care of them?" So....Hope Extreme was born(out of a renovated crack house). A center working to change the lives of east Houma's urban youth by sharing a radical faith, tutoring, activities and love for a broken place. It grows each year. I spent a summer there and it was the most incredible place I've been in. It's a good story.

P.S. Your story doesn't have to have anything to do with homeless, Africa or water wells to be good...it needs to involve you, passion and conflict. And eventually the outcome will be victory and a really good story.

Me, myself and someone else...please!

2009-10-25T13:33:00.000-07:00

I got tired today. Tired of me. There are quite a few things that led up to this point, but rather than talking about that...I just have to say, as fascinating as I am, I'm tired of myself and talking about myself and writing about myself and thinking about myself. It reminds me that I'm human and selfish, it keeps me humble... realizing how uncool I am.

So here we go.

For a while all my blogs will now be about other people--ways I see the Lord in them, ways I'm challenged by them and all around good that is in them. People are funny, they do funny things and curious things and things I want to share.

Glenda
The lunch lady at the school I lived in this past summer was a character. She grumbled in the door at 7 and rustled around until 745 when she realized the summer school kids would be there soon and want breakfast. She cackled and gossiped with the other women and sometimes with us as she made fifty deathly cinnamon roles. She and the other women stole our food. They left a mess. They were hesitant about the youth with us. She screamed about possible snakes on the premises(as did I). Glenda was intense. One morning after the familiar rhythm of a passing conversation with Glenda, she surprised me. Background story: all the kids I was with this summer needed lunch. Very few of them ate three meals a day and even fewer were healthy-ish. Glenda saw a need and met it. She offered for me to bring all the kids(60) to the school at noon and she would provide lunch for them while school was in session. This was easily double the number of kids she normally fed and didn't think twice. In all the ruckus all summer, Glenda never flinched...even the time she was hit in the face by a stack of mashed potatoes a rowdy group of boys threw. Glenda is easily the best lunch lady I've ever met.

trailers and pity

2009-09-26T17:38:00.000-07:00

The other day I saw a movie trailer, it was one of those rags to riches, freedom writers, Sandra Bullock, tear jerking kinds of trailers...and if the trailer is that way imagine the movie. In one point the "high risk youth" brought in by Sandra says while looking at his new room, "I've never had one of these." She responds, "What? A room to yourself?" and he says,"no, a bed." In that moment people think, wow, I'm so lucky(blessed, fortunate...take your pick of words here). The problem I had in that moment was, I know that kid. I've played ball with him, talked with him, hugged her, she taught me to dance, he bonded with me over laffy taffy and we played so many games of dodgeball I can't even count. Their names are Reggie, Willie, Quataysha, Quadre, SharVonte, Michael, Roneesha, Djevante, Isaiah and Iverson...the list could go on for pages. The Lord teaches me through them and my heart breaks deeply for each one. I'm not willing to see the sadness in their eyes anymore, but I'm not willing to deny it. I'm past asking why and am to the point where I wonder if know why would even help. I don't think it would. But rather than asking why, let's do something. Let's be so deeply invested in their lives that we know why for each individual circumstance and love these incredible youth in the singular...in the here and now as if they were the only one's in the room. Don't feel sad or sorry or hopeless for these youth...they don't need that. They need you.

Fresh as Fall

2009-09-18T21:47:00.000-07:00

I knew it the day the pumpkin spice latte arrived at Starbucks...fall is coming and there is no escaping it. With a new season comes a fresh change of pace, I love it. The leaves turn, sweatshirts make their appearance, hot drinks are refreshing again and life seems to calm down...kind of.
Change is beautiful and college is full of it. It's organic and good and what we are made for. Being at this place in school and life in general is odd to participate in and step back to watch. Watching people change, see the surroundings change, people wishing for something new and exciting while longing for stability all the same and most interestingly realizing your own desires changing. What do we do with that? I don't like it. I like it. I hope for it. I resist it. I stare it in the face. I close my eyes and hope it doesn't see me. Then I realize change is what makes me more of the woman God created me to be. I change. God doesn't. That's how it works and I'm not sure why I always seem to assume that everyone else can change but me. False. and wonderful...I'm learning to love the transition stage. Besides, if you can't beat 'em(which I can't, I tried) join 'em!
What do I do this summer? youthoworks? Summer project? home? internship? the possibilities are endless!
What do I do with my life? Portland? Youth ministry? Youthworks? Social services? lunch lady? The possibilities are endless!
As I process not only these two questions but so much more which I'm sure you will hear about soon...I think of a Donald Miller quote that I love and is my prayer for both of us---
"My prayer is that your story will involve some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in play. My hope is that your story will be about change, about getting something beautiful born inside yourself."

it's the little things

2009-09-09T18:29:00.000-07:00

I've had several interesting conversations these days with several interesting people. Many of which have had something to do with authenticity and our natural response to struggles. Now, if you have been in the Christian world for a week or if you have ever raised your eyebrow at a televangelist or self-help book clothed in a Christian cover, you know the two most obnoxious phrases around. "Let go and let God" and "If God will put you to it, He will put you through it." I am not suggesting these phrases are flat out lies but I am posing an opposition to them.

Beef number 1) These bumper sticker phrases imply that as soon as you surrender said struggle to the Lord everything will be easier and it will be solved like a sitcom(in 30 min or less with minimal long-term damage). Or if it isn't easier and/or solved right away then something is wrong with you. False. It is true that we are called to surrender all and that God only puts you through things he knows you can handle. However, what I can handle on an earthly realm is much much less than if I am walking with God and ps- God knows that. He knows that in struggles I will reach the end of myself very quickly and have no choice but to rest on Him and I'm pretty sure that's exactly what he desires. I'm not saying God purposely causes us to go through things so we suffer on our own, but I am saying if we are resting on God, there is nothing we can't bear because we aren't called to bear one thing. If I cast all my burdens on Him because he cares for me, then the load I can carry just increased in volume because God can carry the weight of the world(plus some).

Beef number 2) If a person says one of these phrases to you, chances are the comment you made to warrant such a response was something along the lines of "I'm struggling." Now, how often do you hear an authentic answer such as that when you ask how people they are doing? Either you asked the question in such a way that the answerer knew you meant it or the answerer just took huge leap we don't always see in everyday conversation and that is...authenticity. These phrases are not what people need to hear when they are struggling. Why? Because now they feel isolated. It sounds like such a simple fix and pain free and positive. Sometimes we come out of struggles much stronger and sometimes we come out just the same with maybe a few scars...and that's okay. I think rather than offering a quick fix answer because we don't know what else to say, we respond with authenticity. Respond how you would hope someone would respond to you even if it doesn't seem like it helps. It just helps to see a genuine interaction more than perfect advice.

I hope and pray that as a community of believers we challenge ourselves to be authentic at all times and with all people. I think people would feel like they had life-giving relationships if we learned the art of authenticity, especially in the midst of struggles.

P.S. I don't intend this to be an all out rant but more of a means of processing.

I caved

2009-09-07T11:14:00.000-07:00

I have been debating back and forth, taking polls, asking questions and I've come to one conclusion...it is imperative that I begin to blog. :) So here I am...my thoughts are here and there and my life tends to be here and there but I'm excited to share a little here and a little there with you.